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The damned weather

It is way too fucking hot today. It is as if someone up there was going through menopause and suddenly felt really cold, and then switched the damn temperature up, like way up. I was looking forward to eating at the cafeteria, you know, in a nice air-conditioned environment, probably the special on Wednesday, Poached Salmon. I would have with me a glass of ice cold water and my usual fruit box, and go for a smoke in the shade, enjoying the breeze. But alas it was not meant to be, I only reached the cafeteria at 1.15pm and there was scarcely any food left.

This made me pissed. And you don’t like me when I’m pissed. I’m pissed because I had to go to the food court (not air-conditioned) next door, and brilliantly decided to eat Mee Hoon Kuay, forgetting my immobilized 3rd and 4th fingers on my right hand.

I had Mee Hoon Kuay. With a Spoon. In the heat.

I’m pissed, and someone must suffer. Being Singaporean, I must complain. Someone must, pardon the pun, take the heat (ironically I did) for this! And I decided that the weather is to blame for it today.

How hot is it today? Let me count the ways.

It is so hot today that the grapes in my fruit boxes are now raisins.
It is so hot today that I actually lost weight having lunch.
It is so hot today that my ankle are sweating.
It is so hot today that if I was someone actually sexy (hot) like, I don’t know, Liv Tyler, I might have just spontaneously combusted into flames.
It is so hot today that the cook was frying eggs without a fire, standing in the middle of the carpark.
It is so hot today that any jewelry on a person would leave a burn mark.
It is so hot today that I am now tanned, and I sat in the damn shade.
It is so hot today that Eskimos are wearing singlets and shorts.
It is so hot today that my Oolong Tea boiled in its can.
It is so hot today that I could have showered with the amount of perspiration on me.
It is so hot today that the guys in the carwash had issues lathering up because the water kept evaporating.
It is so hot today that my rubber shoes had no soles by the time I reached the office.
It is so hot today that I can’t shake my fist at the weather because of the salt crystals on my armpits (figure this one out yourself).

Damn you, weather!

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